Balloon Head: Trans Dissociation
Sign up for my upcoming workshop, “Introduction to the Embodied Transition,” where I will be discussing these topics at much greater length, and giving participants two simple, accessible exercises to help connect with their bodies!
I recently made a brief post about the “born in the wrong body” narrative. That narrative, along with the prevalence of disembodiment or dissociation in trans folks, can make it very difficult for us to establish connection and safety in our own bodies. While embodiment has positive benefits for folks of all gendered experiences, for trans people in particular, embodiment can help with making decisions around gender affirmation.
Trans Disembodiment
Yet, for many of us, the dissociation is so advanced, so long-term, and so seamless that we don’t even realize that its there. We move through the world experiencing everything in our heads, and don’t even realize that there’s an issue with this. Many clients of mine have expressed something to the effect of, “of course I feel my emotions with my brain. Where else would I feel them?”
Part of this is, I think, just a product of late-stage capitalism and a society built on the tenants of white supremacy. But there are aspects of trans-disembodiment that are specific to the trans experience, and many cis-generated narratives around transness that give it a specific flavor.
For example, the idea that transness is a mental illness is old-fashioned, well-rebutted, and based in cis-nonsense. But that idea still holds power. Consider that we think about trans identity and gender primarily as something that happens in the brain…and surely, the brain is part of it. But the brain is an organ in our bodies. Our bodies are systems, and our brains are a part of that system. If a thought arrives in our brains, it is the result of sensory input from our entire bodies.
Transgender Body Knowledge
So what I’m saying is, if you want to change your body, your hormonal profile, your physical shape or form, or the way that people see you, call you, react to you…that desire is coming from your body. That need is in your cells, in your blood and bone and tissue. That desire is not just a random idea that you had one day, and the mental health benefits of transition are not just “in your head.”
This is not to say that the desire or need to change your body is immutable, stable, static, unchanging, etc. Gender and embodiment can be fluid and changing. Our body renews itself again and again until it doesn’t, after all. Our bodies are miracles, our variations are natural magic, and the variation we currently call transness is as old as humanity itself.
Our brains are just a part of that system, and often, that organ is the last to be alerted of our sensory input. Further, if our brain doesn’t have a framework for trans identity, it can be incredibly difficult to get it there. I didn’t know about transness until I was in my early 20’s, and it took basically my whole 20’s to work out what my own relationship to transness was.
Creating a Relationship to your Body
One of my absolute favorite teachers, Sarah Faith Gottesdiener, teaches that everything is a relationship, and relationships are changed through practice. This is true with your body as well. If you don’t feel very connected to your body now, that can be changed through practice.
In this culture, there’s a strong pressure that bigger is better, more is more, and that no practice is worth it if you’re not sweating (literally or metaphorically). Chronic illness and my spiritual practice have taught me that the small is the big. That little steps are enough. That gentleness is better than force.
In that vein, I recommend starting your reconnection with your body through small, gentle practices. There are different entry points—some people find this connection through stretching, through breathwork or meditation, through spiritual practice or movement practice, and more. Fins something that works for you. Something that fits into your existing routines. Something that feels completely and easily doable. Start there.
To learn two exercises that I suggest for beginning this process, sign up for my upcoming workshop, Introduction to the Embodied Transition! This workshop is sliding scale ($44-$88) and scholarships are still available, with Black, Indigenous, and other people of color prioritized. Anyone who purchases a ticket will get access to the recording. The workshop will take place on Zoom April 10th, 1 pm - 3 pm PST. A few folks have asked if I will be offering this workshop again. I do hope I will, but I can’t guarantee when that will be. I hope to see you there!!!