5 Signs You Need a Gender Doula
It’s not always easy to know when to call in support for any given issue. Between the hyper-independence most of us have been socialized into, internalized transphobia, and the general scariness of vulnerability, asking for help often feels like something someone else should do, or something we should put off until we’ve tried every other possible avenue. When it comes to gender exploration and transition, I often find that people spend a lot of time and energy trying to muddle through on their own before they reach out to me. And I get that! It’s really vulnerable to ask for help, and sometimes its hard to know what kind of help you need.
So here are a five signs (and a bonus!) that you need a gender doula. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list. But I hope that it helps you see some of the many reasons why folks contact me.
You are curious about your gender (identity, presentation, etc) but don’t know where to start.
Many people who come to me do not identify as trans or non-binary. They may feel curious about their identity, how it has been shaped, why they conformed to various gendered expectations, etc., and may want to talk that out with someone. Or, they may be curious about exploring their gender, but don’t really know what to do or even what gender exploration entails. However, they may also feel like they need to have some idea of what they want before they start asking for help.
The truth is, I think everyone benefits from gender exploration. No one on earth neatly fits in to the confines of a label, even if that label is chosen specifically because it feels more resonant than another one. Each of us contains multitudes. Each of us is far too dynamic to be fully apprehended in a single word or phrase. There is a tremendous benefit to giving your own unique relationship to gender room to breathe and develop, and a gender doula can help with that.
2. You’ve tried researching gender transition, but it’s overwhelming, confusing, etc.
Let’s be honest - research trans or gender-related topics can be mind-numbingly difficult. I spent about 10 years researching trans identity, health care, and law, and many hours were spent combing through Google and Google Scholar trying to find even one mention of the exact thing I was looking for. While many more resources are available now than there were even 5 years ago, its still incredibly challenging to find a source that is relevant, reliable, up to date, and high quality.
This is even more true for folks who deviate in any way from binary gender, who are racialized, who are disabled or chronically ill, or who otherwise don’t fit the narrow confines of a very specific type of trans. It’s common to say “google it” when people ask questions, but sometimes that makes things even worse! I’ve had client stumble unknowingly into TERF and other anti-trans websites, and end up confused, upset, and scared to continue searching.
Fortunately, I have a variety of resources that are incredibly helpful for all kinds of situations. Some of these can be found through my Linktree, my Transition Basics workshops, or the resource page on my website. But especially for folks who need specific resources and support, there’s no substitute for working together one-on-one. I also have contacts all over the U.S. and internationally and belong to WPATH and multiple email lists for trans professionals and healthcare navigators, so if I can’t find an answer to your question, there are a variety of folks who I can reach out to.
3. You want to change something about your gender identity or presentation, but you feel stuck, unsure, anxious, scared, etc.
I think that this is probably one of the most common reasons why folks come to me. Maybe they’ve explored their gender and maybe they’ve researched, but…then what? Inhabiting your gender in a new way is scary. It requires a moment of turning, of crossing a threshold. Even if no one in the outside world would ever notice whatever change you’re making, you will still be changed.
This is heady stuff, and something folks shouldn’t have to do alone. Sometimes we all need someone to hold the space for our anxieties, fears, hopes, and dreams as we step into the next iteration of who we are. And sometimes, we have no idea how to make that step, and we need someone to help shine a light so we can find our way forward.
If you’re in that space of stuckness, anxiety, or confusion, my goal is never to push you toward any specific outcome. Rather, I hope to hold the space for you to spread all your options on the table, and move toward whatever makes the most sense for you. I’m here for the messiness, the discomfort…all of it. Supporting you through those uncomfortable and tender moments is quintessential gender doula work.
4. You don’t have many folks in your life that you can talk to about gender things, or you don’t feel comfortable asking them these deeply personal questions.
Some of the folks who come to me don’t have any trans people in their life that they can talk to. Others are surrounded by trans community, but sensitive to the idea of asking their trans friends to answer their questions, especially when those questions feel deeply personal for both them and their friends. Further, it can be confusing and intimidating to know where to take your questions. If you want to know more about HRT, do you feel safe enough with your doctor to bring that up?
Working with a gender doula gives you a safe space to work out your questions and to find answers. I don’t always have the answer to every question, but when I don’t know, I have a variety of ways of sourcing answers. For more personal questions that may not have clear answers, I can sit with you in the unknown while you work toward answers.
Having a safe space to bring your questions can also help you unearth questions that you didn’t know you had, or that you felt too scared to bring up, even just to yourself. Gender exploration can be an intensely personal process, but knowing that you’re not alone in that process can make a huge difference. And with my experience, I can also give you feedback that is grounded across research, personal experience, community involvement, and gender doula work.
5. You’ve transitioned in some way, but now you want to take new/additional steps.
There is a common misunderstanding that transition is a sort of one-time thing…you realize that your identity is not in line with what you were assigned at birth, you find the identity that suits you, you take whatever steps you need to to actualize that identity, and then you move on with life. And who knows, maybe some people experience their gender that way! But for most people, gender exploration is an ongoing pursuit that sometimes comes in waves.
Also, the norms and standards of care around medical transition have shifted over the years. Several folks have come to me who transitioned under older standards that required them to take more medical steps than they actually wanted or needed, or gate-kept them from vital care. Either way, there’s a lot of trauma around this, and it can be helpful to talk it out with someone who is familiar with how these things have changed over time.
Whether you want to explore new aspects of your transition, shift your presentation, or parse through complicated feelings about earlier decisions, the space we make together can hold this in great detail and nuance. A gender doula can hold non-judgmental space for the tough stuff, and help you shift your gender paradigm toward joy and affirmation.
Bonus: Your friend/partner/loved one/child is transitioning and you need a safe space to ask all of your questions.
I’ve done several sessions with partners, parents, and friends of trans people who want to be supportive but aren’t always sure how. Working with a gender doula for this is excellent, because you can ask all the questions that you need to without damaging your relationship to your trans loved one. Allies and loved ones have found these sessions so helpful and so supportive that they often need only one such session, though for parents I have occasionally done more frequent work, as gender situations with younger children can be very dynamic and challenging.
If you are the parent of a trans child, finding resources can be challenging. While I personally deeply recommend Gender Spectrum as a general source for parents, I know that parents who try to find targeted answers to tough questions on Google can be waylaid by spurious sources and bad actors masquerading as concerned citizens or even credentialed professionals! Having a space to speak with someone who can not only answer your questions, but can also curate your resource list with high quality, trustworthy resources, can save any parent or loved one from a lot of misinformation and fear.
For parents and loved ones who need support, but prefer not to work one on one, I have a variety of resources in my Bookshop and on the resources section of my website.
Bottom line: There are many reasons to hire a gender doula, and these are just some of them.
Gender touches so many different parts of our lives. For trans, non-binary, and other gender expansive people, gender is often grappled with in overt ways, as well as ways that are less obvious. For cis people or people who don’t identity as any of the above, gender is still a dominating force, and one that can be challenging and confusing to navigate.
Gender doulas are truly for everyone. Gender exploration is a helpful and beautiful process for people of all gender identities. But it can also be a challenging and confusing process, and having someone to hold you in gentle acceptance, and who can also answer thorny and confusing questions, can make the whole process a lot more human.
If you’re interested in 1:1 gender doula services, contact me here or shoot me an email: hello@thegenderdoula.com. If my books are full, I have a few colleagues that I can refer you to. If you are curious about workshops and classes, sign up for my mailing list. And if you like this blog post, follow me on social media. I do this work because I love this work - it is my purpose and my passion. I would love to support you in whatever ways I can!